The Limits of Preparation

I am a person who likes to be prepared.  I usually don’t approach preparation with a sense of anxiety – I take joy in it!  As long as I can remember, back to my earliest school days, I loved going home in the evening and getting ready for the next day.  And this wasn’t limited to homework – it meant even choosing and laying out my outfit for the next day.  I admit, I probably came across as a goody two-shoes, but I didn’t mean to be that way.  What I did was not for the sake of being better than others or gaining adult approval (though I didn’t mind approval) – I just took pleasure in organization and preparation.  Weird little kid, I know!

The trend continues to this day  (though I’ve loosened up a bit on picking out my clothes for the following day.)  The biggest thing I’ve had the opportunity to prepare for recently is motherhood, and throughout my pregnancy I approached it the way I’ve approached every other event, big and small, in my life – with pleasure and with vigor in my preparation.  I knew in concept that one could never be really prepared for motherhood, but I did all I could to make sure I had done whatever things could possibly be done.  I educated myself on childbirth and breastfeeding, the nursery was in place well ahead of time, and I set up a support system for myself and found resources like new mom groups and learned where to find the information and help I would need.

Then the big day came four weeks ago.  From the start of labor, to my unexpected Cesarean delivery, and through to this very day has been a blur and a whirlwind!  I knew beforehand that I would be in control of nothing really, but knowing it and experiencing it are two very different things.  I have been riding a wave (sometimes on top, sometimes in the turbulent middle) of something much larger than myself, experiencing the deepest love, as well as unexpected fears and anxieties.

My preparation was certainly not in vain – I’ve needed everything that I put in place for myself and then some, but it has reminded me that most often, no matter how much you prepare for an event, you can never be fully prepared for anything in life.  There are simply too many variables and there are always unexpected twists.  We must trust that we’ll be able to ride the waves and not be afraid to ask others to help us ride those waves.  There’s that word again – a recurring theme with me! Trust… trust… trust….

Someone asked me yesterday if I felt like a different person now that I’ve had a baby.  I had no idea how to answer!  After thinking about it a little bit, I decided that I feel very much like me, but like a “me” that must become very comfortable with the shortcomings of preparation and prepare in a different way for my days: by taking some deep breaths, remembering to trust, pay close attention, and take the minutes with all of their surprises as they come.