The Pregnant Pause

If you are a subscriber to my blog, you might have noticed the infrequency of my posts recently.  There is a reason!   Since my blog is entitled “Angela’s Horn Studio” I feel compelled to write about things related to the horn, but the truth is, the horn has just not been on the top of my mind recently.  My thoughts and heart have been, for the majority of my time these days, shall we say, preoccupied while I await the arrival of our little baby boy.  I continue to play each day because I feel I can (on most days – with lots of breaks and a stool to prop my foot upon!), and because it provides rhythm and normalcy to my days – like brushing my teeth or eating breakfast.  I like the way I feel when I have practiced, so I do, and I would like to think that I still manage to be present and engaged while I have the horn in my hands.  But there is a big distraction!  So perhaps it is OK to stretch the “Angela’s Horn Studio” concept to include non-horn things that I think about while in my practice room – or in close proximity to my practice room. 🙂

One of the best things, though, about having something like the horn in my life – having something that has been a constant and big endeavor in my life – is that it has helped me to learn about myself and my tendencies.  We all have themes that play themselves through our lives again and again depending on our wiring and personalities.  One of my recurring themes has been finding the balance of control and surrender.  There comes a point in various endeavors playing the horn when you have done all you can in your preparation and “control” phase, and the time comes to let go and allow instinct to take control.

So here I am!  Fully prepared and ready.  And coaxing myself (once again) into relaxing and trusting my body to do what it knows how to do and reminding my inner controller that it can’t do a darn thing but to let go and wait.  I have been told that this time would be a great time to practice NOT being in control – because I’m not going to have much control over many circumstances in the coming weeks, months and years.  So for now, I practice, I go to the gym, I go for long walks with my husband, I look at all the cute little boy clothes that are lined up and ready to go, and I fill out the family tree in the baby book.  I go to movies (The Muppet Movie was seriously fun), and I’m getting in some great reading (books that are not even about babies!).

Another thing that crosses my mind while I’m waiting is all of the potential in this moment.  This really brings the term “pregnant pause” home to me!  Just like the silences between phrases in music, and just like a dramatic, perfectly timed pause in a speech or sermon to give the listener time to absorb and anticipate, I am on the brink, residing in that very pregnant pause at the moment.

So just in case you were wondering, “What’s up with Angela and her ‘studio’?  She’s awfully silent these days!”  I am at home or on a walk (waiting), or maybe at the movies (waiting), or maybe out to dinner (waiting), and perhaps even practicing (waiting), and in general, doing my best to surrender to each and every moment.

Bottom line: there is a little someone in control and it is NOT ME!

Happy New Year to all of you!