Signs and Symbols, Influences, and A Bad Memory

I have a very bad memory in some ways, especially for details of novels or movies and (embarrassingly) concerts I have played.  I can remember the emotional content, and remember how I felt reading a book, seeing a movie, playing or hearing a concert, but it’s rare for me to remember the intricacies of a plot, or the details of a program.

So it is all the more surprising that I remember one of my first horn auditions very clearly.  I was in seventh grade auditioning for Junior High All-District Band.  All the kids auditioning were in one warm-up room together – the enormous band room of an equally enormous public school.  Looking back on it, I cannot even imagine the cacophony!   I had my gigantic hard case – that I could barely carry and that always bruised my legs – containing my beat-up single F horn from our little school.  My heart still beats a little faster when I remember the intimidation I felt looking around at all these kids who seemed to me to have done this before.  They looked like they knew what they were doing – they were worldly and experienced in my mind.  And they all knew each other, it seemed, or at least knew someone. I didn’t know anybody. Then one very together-looking girl with long, blond hair confidently opened her horn case to reveal a shiny silver double horn.  “That’s it,” I thought, wanting to cry.  I thought for sure her horn was a sign of how out of my league I was, or thought I was. “What am I doing here?”  I was certain I detected amused glances at my dented, rust-spotted horn that looked like it had been through a couple lifetimes of abuse and maybe a bomb blast or two.  I think I might have even said something to either my mom or my dad – whoever was with me.  I think it was my dad.  Something to the effect of “Look at her horn.  She’s obviously better than I am!”  I remember being told not to worry about it – that it was just a horn and to concentrate on doing my best.

To make a long story short, it didn’t matter much that my horn was beat-up.  It turned out to be a fine first audition, and I was at the top of the pack when the results came out.  The lesson of the night stuck with me: don’t take anything as a sign for good or bad – just do your own thing and do your best.  And it doesn’t matter so much what horn you have.

If you’ve read many of my posts, you might have noticed that I haven’t spent much time focusing on what happens outside of us and in response to us as we learn and grow.  But after my last post, I got a comment from Linda Grace, a fantastic rolfer (and blogger!) here in Philadelphia that I have gone to see (if you ever need body work done and you live within striking distance – I highly recommend going to her).  And she asked for my thoughts about that very thing.

She writes:

“I’d also like to hear your ideas of what the signs and symbols from outside of oneself (i.e. loving it, working hard, prevailing over discouragement are one’s own felt signs).  What are the signs and symbols which can say, “we could make a go of this music!”  
I have this idea that these signs can show up at any of the stages, but the emerging adult can have some signs available that show possibility….  In other words, what part do you think the rest of the world’s opinions play in the emerging adult becoming a successful musician of any of those stripes you speak of?”

To read my response, click here and look in the comment section.  It contains my most concrete and practical thoughts about the subject.  However, I thought that her question deserved a thorough fleshing out in a new post because it’s really an important question. After all, it’s impossible to live in a vacuum!   Whether we like it or not, the people around us do respond to us and do have opinions about what we do.  The outside world most definitely plays a role in the shaping of our lives and careers. Although I think it’s rare for one outside event, or one person’s opinion to ultimately make or break us (and I know this is not what Linda was referring to), I DO believe that we absolutely need people and other sources of input from outside of ourselves to guide us, give us ideas, give us encouragement, and to help us to see more clearly.  We all need teachers, mentors, and good, honest friends. Our lives and various paths are formed usually, not out of sheer force of our will regardless of what anyone else says, thinks or does, but more often by a very complex web of influences and feedback.  Some influences we seek out, and some come to us whether we want them or not.

When I think of the major influences from outside sources in my own life, they fall into a few categories: input and guidance from teachers; official rulings from juries, judges and committees; suggestions or opinions from various trusted mentors; feedback and support from colleagues; and the loving presence and help that my close friends and family provide.   All of it was (and continues to be) very, very important to me.  I can clearly see and feel in my own life those “threshold” time periods when I have been a little stuck.  There was something I couldn’t get past until someone or something intervened (usually in a very quiet and offhanded way) from outside my own limited perspective and allowed me to see the way ahead of me – what it was I had to do next and how to do it.  Or someone sparked an idea, and all I had to do was change my approach or my thinking about something, and I was on my way again.

The kicker, of course, is that we have to be open to suggestion, be willing to put ourselves out there and expose ourselves – or else we never get the feedback.  Not only that, there is the “negative review.”  We must listen to those as well, see if there’s something we can take from it that will help us along our way, and forget the rest – which is often easier said than done.

Speaking of forgetting, I have been following a project of David Brooks, an op-ed columnist for the New York Times.  This project is called The Life Reports.  He asked for those over 70 years of age to write in and evaluate their lives – what they thought they did well, what they are most disappointed about, etc.  He has been posting one essay a day on his blog, and in his own column has been commenting on trends he sees from the thousands of essays he’s received.

One of the many interesting points he made in his latest column was that those who were happiest in their lives were “strategic self-deceivers.”  Here it is in context:

Beware rumination. There were many long, detailed essays by people who are experts at self-examination. They could finely calibrate each passing emotion. But these people often did not lead the happiest or most fulfilling lives. It’s not only that they were driven to introspection by bad events. Through self-obsession, they seemed to reinforce the very emotions, thoughts and habits they were trying to escape.

Many of the most impressive people, on the other hand, were strategic self-deceivers. When something bad was done to them, they forgot it, forgave it or were grateful for it. When it comes to self-narratives, honesty may not be the best policy.

Hmmm, so maybe my bad memory isn’t the worst thing in the world after all!

I’m not at all suggesting suppression of things that need attention, or that we shouldn’t take a good, hard look at ourselves and examine what we see from time to time.  I think that is important.  However, a bad memory – or selective memory – can help in certain circumstances!  That could go for any of the things that we might be tempted to take as signs and symbols that aren’t helpful to our cause – just like nightmares.  My mother always told me there was no need to remember bad dreams – the brain just needed to work through and metabolize something, and that it was more than OK to let go of them and not examine them or take them as signs.  “It’s healthy to forget bad dreams!” she said.

Also, something we take as a sign of our future promise can be just as dangerous as something we might take for a sign that “I’m just not cut out for this” if it makes us to feel like we can rest on our laurels.

The main thing is to keep growing, keep looking forward, and to continue exploring and finding freshness and new perspectives whenever and wherever we can.  The wonderful thing is that we need each other in order to grow, and that is one of the things that makes life so full and so interesting.

So, I’d say that, for me, my biggest outward sign that I am on the right path is that the people around me keep giving me food for thought (whether they know it or not!), keep talking with me about ideas or strategies, and keep inspiring me to try new things.

What in your life has served as a positive sign to you that you were on the right path?  Or the opposite – that it was time to do something different?  I’d be curious to know!